when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Randomize
