My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
