seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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