when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
