i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Randomize
