You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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