Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
