hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Randomize
