the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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