Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
