If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
