don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
