upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
