I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
