Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
and you said cock pushups were impossible
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
