im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
