I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Randomize
