I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
