and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
