What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
