Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
