Whod you bang
why didn't you poke me back
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
