Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Randomize
