It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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