I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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