remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
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