We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize