while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
