New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
third nipple confirmed
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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