A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
