i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize