this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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