Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
This is my gift to your gina
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
