True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
