I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I fill condoms, not promises.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
