come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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