one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
