he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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