i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
