He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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