M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Your dad touched me again.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
