At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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