Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
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