Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
