If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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