She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
