I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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