Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
