new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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