A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
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