Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
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