not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
