all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
His hands were made for my vagina.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
