Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
my liver is dry heaving
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
