I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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