You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
