When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
