But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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