I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
