I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Randomize