Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
