i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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