were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Randomize
