please come you make the beer taste better
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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