I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Randomize
