If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
